A Day at the Track

We had quite a commotion over the weekend here in Lando.

We had to get Chief Wiggum out to Sam Jones' place to help get things under control. Sam and his wife Millie were going at it like a couple of squirrels wrestling over a nut!

Sam, Millie, and Mike

The way Chief Wiggum told it is that Thursday when Millie was doing the laundry, she found a match book with the name 'Shirley' and a phone number in Sam's pants pocket.

Millie flew hot and put all of Sam's things out on the front lawn and locked him out of the house. Every time Sam would try get in through a window or something, Millie would whack him on the head with her iron skillet.
After a couple of whacks, Sam decided to let her cool off a while!

Millie eventually put down the skillet and Sam convinced her to let him in.
Sam went on to explain that it was all a big mistake. Sam told Millie that 'Shirley' was the name of a horse. He and Emmitt had been sitting around the other day and decided to bet on the horse race that afternoon. They picked 'Shirley' from the newspaper and the phone number was for the guy they placed the bet with.

'Sea' Horse

Well, now Millie felt just like a fool! She apologised and helped Sam carry all his stuff back into the house. She apologised all night and made Sam his favourite for dinner! The next morning, Millie made Sam a big special breakfast and apologised again. Sam was as gracious as ever and told Millie not to let it bother her one bit because he had already forgotten all about it. Then he gave her a big hug and a kiss, told her he loved her, and left for work.

That evening when Sam got home it was just like the night before! Sam must have thought he was in the movie Groundhog Day. You know the one where Bill Murray has to live the exact same day over and over again?

ALL of Sam's stuff was back on the lawn and there stood Millie with that same iron skillet!

Sam got out of his truck and hollered at Millie (because he was too afraid to get close to her) and asked what was wrong now.

Millie hollered back that nothing was wrong, but that his horse had called three times that day and she wanted to thank Sam for the flowers!


That's when the neighbours figured they'd better get Chief Wiggum out there before Millie killed Sam!

That's a lot of goings on for one weekend here in Lando. I sure hope things get down to a slower pace so we can ease on into Spring at a more reasonable rate!

See you all later!

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Politics and Such

Good Day.

I've been in politics a long time, and if there is one thing I have learned during all that time it is this one thing. The fastest way to lose a vote is to identify where you stand on a particular issue or person or political party. As soon as people find out what you're for or against, it gives them a reason to line up for or against you. Generally, I'm whatever party you are, and if you're for it, I am too, and you're against it, then so am I. I have found this to be a good policy, and it keeps me out of a lot of hot water.

Today, for the sake of a good story, I'm going to forsake that position.

As is my custom, I went to Lillian's Diner for breakfast this morning.

Lillian's Diner on Cleburne

Chief Wiggum

As I was leaving I spotted one of Chief Wiggum's officers writing a parking ticket.

I was all by myself and I walked up and asked him to please show a little courtesy to another public servant.

He glanced at me and just kept on writing.

This got to me a little, so I asked him if that pen and pad made him feel like a real man what with all that power to inflict financial pain on the little people. He placed the ticket on the windshield and started writing another.

I asked him how it was to have your wife be the man of the family since he obviously was taking his pent up frustrations out on the public. He placed the second ticket on the car and began writing another.

I then asked him who the commandant was at his stalag and was he friendly with other Nazi's like Colonel Klink or Sargent Schultz. That didn't even get a rise out of him. He just put the ticket on the car, and started another.

This went on for several minutes. No matter what I called him, how bad I insulted him, or how much I pleaded, he just went on writing tickets as long as I kept talking. I finally just gave up and kept quiet.

Helmet Law Violation in Lando

When he finally finished, I told him to have a good day. He nodded and got on his bike and rode away.

I stood there a minute just to allow myself to fully comprehend just what had happened, and stared at the pile of tickets on the windshield. When I was satisfied that I had done all I could in the situation, I turned and walked back to my office.

You see, that wasn't my car parked there. I didn't know who that car belonged to, and frankly, I didn't really care. I had noticed it when I went into Lillian's because it had a big new bumper sticker on the back that said "Hillary in '08".

Undecided Voter
Welcome to Lando!

Oh, before I forget...Seems like people dont buy flowers for Easter like they used to, so Peggy Cabot's having a sale on roses down at her store. You all go and help her out.

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Wild Goats!

Good Day! It's great to have you stop by again.

I have another Dirk Crouse story today that I think you will enjoy.
Dirk is quite the character around here.

Several weeks ago, Dirk, and his brother Ray were hunting birds in a local farmer's fields. They were walking along when Dirk stepped on something that made a hollow echo sound. Before he realised what it was, it gave way beneath his right foot and he fell through up to his hip.

Ray quickly helped Dirk out and they soon found what looked like a well or a mine that had been covered with boards. Dirk was fortunate to have only put one leg through the rotting boards because it looked like a long way to the bottom.

Ray grabbed a rock and tossed it in the hole and waited to hear it hit bottom. After several minutes of silence, Dirk said they needed a bigger rock so they could hear better. He looked around and found a stone about twice as big as the one Ray had used. Dirk tossed it in and they waited. Nothing...

Ray looked around and found a stone so large he could hardly get it in the hole, but he did, and they waited, and listened. Still, nothing.

Well, that was all Dirk could put up with. Dirk is a man of little patience. He looked around and soon found an old railroad cross tie in some bushes near the hole. He got Ray to help, and together they pushed the cross tie into the hole. They waited a few moments, and suddenly a wild goat came crashing through the bushes and headed straight for them. The goat was moving faster the closer he got to Dirk and Ray. The goat broke right between Dirk and Ray and jumped in the hole without slowing down.

The 'Wild' Goat

Dirk and Ray were both flabbergasted. What in the world had gotten into that goat? He must have been mad with some disease or something. They started to cover the hole so no one would fall into it when the farmer that owned the field came walking up. He asked the two Crouse brothers if they had seen his goat anywhere. Dirk said that as a matter of fact a wild goat had come crashing up to them, and had jumped into the hole right there! The farmer looked at them and agreed that what they had just witnessed was strange indeed, but that it could not have been his goat. He went on to say that he had tied his goat to an old railroad cross tie by those bushes.

Ray said it cost them $75 for the goat, but it was worth it!

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Dirk's College Days

Ray’s brother Dirk is a man of few words, and usually his actions give you an idea of what he’s thinking. Ray reminded me of this story the other day, and I thought I would share it with you.

Over in Lancaster, they got themselves what used to called the Extension because it was an extension of the main campus in Columbia. Well, after a few years they got tired of that and now it’s called USCLA, or The University of South Carolina, Lancaster Area.

Dirk up and decides he’s going to need a college education, so he enrolls himself at USCLA.

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform." I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.

The lecture room fell silent.
You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when Dirk got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and slugged him; knocking him off the platform.
The professor was out cold. Dirk went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at Dirk and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

Dirk calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me."

So that’s the end of Dirk’s school days.

Dirk Crouse

Okay, now I want to give you all a Lando Cooking School lesson.
This particular dish is a favourite of mine, and I get Mrs. Mayor Stoner to make it as often as I can.

First, gather up these ingredients.
  • 8 large corndogs or 24 mini-corndogs
  • 2 cans chili
  • 1 can refried beans
  • 3/4 cup grated cheddar cheese
  • 3/4 cup grated pepperjack cheese
  • 1/2 cup of chopped green onions

Now, preheat your oven to 375 degrees.
Combine chili and beans in mixing bowl.

Arrange thawed corndogs in an 8x12 baking dish.

Pour chili and bean mixture into baking dish.

Cover with cheese, and bake for 30 minutes.
Add green onion garnish and place under broiler until browned.

Now, take the whole thing to your Sunday covered dish or Wednesday prayer meeting or Thursday social club or what ever! There wont be no leftovers!

May God bless you until next time!

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Big News Today!

Big News in Lando today!

Mr. Crouse and his brother, Dirk, were out hunting over the weekend. Sunday was the last day for big game Bull Squirrels, so they wanted to try for the big one before the season went out.

Dirk says that they had been out in the field since 5 that morning, and were tired and ready to give up for the day. They had already packed most of the ammo, rifles, grenade launchers and rpg's into the truck when they heard that tell-tale whooshing sound over their heads.

Ray said he just had a minute to toss Dirk a stand-by M16 with only half a clip in it. Dirk caught the rifle in mid-air and and emptied the clip at the sound as soon as his finger hit the trigger. Seconds later the ferocious beast hit the ground right in front of the truck!

The warden at the check station says he thinks it may be a state record, and is obviously the biggest one ever landed with such an underpowered weapon.

Looks like there's going to be good eating at the Crouse household for several months.

Dirk and Ray with the Trophy Squirrel

Look at the size of that tail! It's got to be at least six feet! That's going to be one tasty tail-bone chowder!

Several years back a couple of guys brought in what would have to be real close to the size of this one, but I dont think it counted towards the state record. They brought it down with an F16, and that was before it was legal to use F16's to hunt Bull Squirrel.

But hold on to your hats, that aint all! Ray and Lari got approval to go to Asia for their daughter, Jessamine Love, this morning. Looks like Dirk and his kids will get the lion's share of that Bull Squirrel because the Crouse's are going to be eating tête de poulet for a couple of weeks!

All-in-all, a big day in Lando. Thanks for stopping by!

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Elverna Bradshaw

Hello! It’s a rainy, soggy, and cold day in Lando today. I reckon we’ve had a couple of inches.

We still are feeling the effect of the drought, but we’re grateful for the rain.

The rainy days always remind me of the big Lando flood of 1927. Most young folks around here aren’t old enough to remember it, but most of my generation does. The rain started late on Sunday night, and didn’t stop until the following Sunday. There was so much water that it rose above the roof-tops of most of the homes here. It almost washed the entire town away.

Most everyone got out when the water was beginning to get into their home. I say most because there was one stubborn old bird that we just could not get to leave.

Her name was Elverna Bradshaw, but just about everyone knew her as the widow Bradshaw. Elverna’s husband died in a freak farming accident shortly after they were married.

Mr. Bradshaw was probably only 20 years old at the time, but he still had a bit of maturing to do. One Friday night after he and his buddies had closed down the Lando Beach and Racquet Club, they decided to sneak into Bill Johnson’s grazing pasture and have a good-old, knee-slapping adventure tipping cows. We don’t know how many cows got tipped that night, but Bill says most of them cows never were ‘right’ after that night.

Bradshaw was hiding along side of Bill’s thresher waiting for things to get quiet and for his next target to doze off. He tip-toed quietly up to the biggest heifer in the pasture, and gave her a good strong push on one side! This was the exact same technique he had been using all night, but this time something went terribly wrong. The cow started tipping away from Bradshaw, but suddenly she woke up, and realising that she was falling, tried to right herself.

Well, she must have over-compensated, because she started tipping the other way.

Right towards Bradshaw!

He tried to get away, but his feet just slipped right out from under him, and that heifer fell right on top of Bradshaw.

Killed him.

All of his buddies come running up to the cow screaming, “What’d you kill Bradshaw fer?...What’d you kill Bradshaw fer?”

They’s all no count, and that old cow was give out and couldn’t answer.

She just lay there on top of poor old Bradshaw, and that’s how Elverna came to be known as the widow Bradshaw.

Lot’s of boys come to court her after a respectable mourning time, but she wouldn’t have anything to do with them. She always said, “The Lord will provide.”

After a few years, they all stopped coming around.

Try as we might, Elverna refused to leave her home.

After the water got up past the first floor, a couple of local men drove over there in a fishing boat and tried to get her to leave.

She just said, “No. The Lord will provide.”

Later in the week, the water had risen over the top of most homes. The local Sheriff’s deputies took a rescue boat over and found Elverna, wrapped in a wet blanket and sitting on the roof of her house. The deputies could see how miserable she was, and tried to get her to get in the boat so they could take her to the shelter.

Stubborn old Elverna just said, “No, the Lord will provide.”

The next day, the water was still rising, and a lot of debris was washing by and made travelling by boat dangerous, so the National Guard took a helicopter over to get Elverna. The found her clinging to the chimney, shivering cold with only a piece of the blanket left.

Even then, Elverna was so stubborn and would not get in the helicopter.

She just kept saying, “The Lord will provide.”

Elverna T. Bradshaw on the Roof

Later that evening, the rushing water finally won out and took Elverna and her home down the river.

The only thing they could find was that tattered blanket she was using to stay warm.

So now we see Elverna at the Pearly Gates, and standing there with Saint Peter is the Lord. Elverna rushed over and looked at the Lord with a look of pure bewilderment.

“Lord”, she asked. “All my life, I believed in you and your provision for me. Why was it when I needed you most, you didn’t provide?”

“My son”, said the lord, “when you saw only one set of footprints, that is when I carried you.”

Elverna looked even more pitiful and asked, “What?”

Saint Peter explained, “Sister Bradshaw, the Lord is still talking with another who has just arrived and has had questions. Please be patient and wait upon the Lord.”

The Lord then looked at stubborn old Elverna and said, “Elverna. I did provide. I sent people to warn you, two rescue boats, and a helicopter. How much more provision did you expect?”

Elverna was a fine piece of work. Lando could sure use another like her!

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Mrs. Stoner's Day in Court

Yesterday, my wife, the lovely Mrs. Stoner had to appear in court as she was a witness to a theft at our local IGA store.

Mrs. Mayor Stoner

It seems that a young man had placed a large quantity of very frozen meat from the freezer section into his baggy pants. He neglected to consider the area into which he had placed his booty, and how uncomfortable it could become very quickly.

Mrs. Stoner was just coming in the store as the temperature reached his maximum level of toleration and his pants came off revealing his ill-gotten gain and the effects of sub-zero temperatures on exposed flesh.

She was not amused nor impressed.

The prosecuting attorney called Mrs. Stoner to the stand and as he approached her he asked, "Mrs. Stoner, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams."
"I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me."

"You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Stoner, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do."
"I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney very nearly died, and the prosecuting attorney was ashen.

The judge, the honourable Mr. Reinhold, asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice (but loud enough for Mrs. Stoner to hear), said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

She never told me how the case turned out, but there was a big sale on previously frozen meat at the IGA later that day.

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Jack and Diane in Asia

Jack and Diane are a lovely young couple living here in Lando.
They have a lovely daughter named Hope who is about four years old.

A while back Jack and Diane determined that they have another daughter...in Asia.

That being determined, they set about the process to bring her home. That whole process took about two and a half years!

Well, Jack, Diane, Hope, and Jack's brother Bart are in Asia right now and they have their daughter, Jasmine!

Periodically they send us little updates about their trip, which is just about over, but I thought you all might find this little story amusing.

After Jack and Diane got little Hope in her home city, they went to eat at an authentic Asian restaurant. You probably dont find that too unusual since they are in Asia, after all.

Being somewhat adventurous, they requested food the locals would eat, and not something they would normally offer to Americans.

Well, let me tell you...that's just asking for trouble! They might as well have asked for the blowfish! I knew at this point, it wasn't going to turn out well for someone!

So they drink a little tea, have a little small talk with their guide, and eventually the food arrives. It smells wonderful and exotic, and looks like this...

Yes, that is a chicken head! I dont know about you, but for me and my house, we dont eat no chicken heads! Lando may be a bit remote, and in the deep South, but folks around here know that things such as heads are not to be prepared and served at the table. It just aint right.

Knowing that, they approached the food cautiously. Little Hope took a bit of the chicken head, but that's understandable, since she IS from the area. The real shock was this...

Yes! That's Jack's brother, Bart, eating the chicken head!

Jack is fond of saying that his Mama didn't raise no fool, but this is evidence to the contrary. It's obvious that some foolish tendencies did creep into Bart's genetic make-up!

This is their guide, Lucia, who enjoyed every tempting morsel of tête de poulet!

Now, one of the finest treats we get around here is a beak and rooster comb combo plate down at Clyde Torkel's Chicken Pit, but we dont eat the head! I dont care if it's extra crispy or original recipe, beaks and combs is good eats!

Needless to say, Bart ended up in the local hospital with a case of tête de poulet induced crampe d'estomac avec les courses! You know what else? Jack, Diane, Hope, and little Jasmine left him there and they continued on to the next stop in their trip!!! Bart had to follow along a day or two later than the rest of the group! He's fine now, but I dont think he'll be having chicken for a while!

If you happen to run into Bart when he gets back this week, make sure you ask him about the food in Asia!

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Welcome to Lando!

We’re glad you stopped by to visit with us.

Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Life is Lando doesn’t get very complicated. If we want a little complication, we can always head over into Lancaster, or on up to Charlotte, but, generally, we don’t do much of that. It’s just too dang much trouble.

Let me introduce you to one of the fine families living here in Lando, the Crouse’s.

The Crouse’s moved to Lando from Lancaster a few years back. Ray, the father, said he and his wife, Lari, were looking for a simpler life without all the complications of the big city like Lancaster.

Well, as we all know, Lando is just that kind of place.

The Crouse’s have five children and they’re expecting one more this spring! Ray and Lari have been married 19 years, and will be celebrating their twentieth anniversary in June. They hope to be travelling at the time to Asia to bring home their sixth child, Jessamine Love. Little Jessamine just turned one in February, and they are anxious to get her home!

Their first-born, Landrieu, will be graduating from Community Christian’s Academy this spring, and he has enrolled at Sanderson University in western South Carolina. Community Christian’s Academy is our local Christian school and is also home to Friendship Bible Church, where Dr. Louie Wills is both the Pastor and the Principal of the school. It’s a fine institution, and we’re proud to have it as a part of the Lando community.

Jamison is Landrieu’s younger brother and the second of the Crouse children. Jamison enjoys playing with the youth band at Shecaniah Baptist Church. He’s a pretty good piano player, and often accompanies his dad for special music at church. He’s a star on the Community Christian’s Academy’s basketball team which had an undefeated season this year.

Alicia is next, and the first of the Crouse girls. Ray has her spoiled rotten. Most everyone in town knows her as The Bun, since that is what Ray has called her since she was born. It’s short for Honey Bun, because he said she was so sweet. The Bun is considered by most folks in town to be the prettiest girl that has ever lived here in Lando, and she lives up to her nickname, too! Everybody loves The Bun, because of her sweet disposition and loving heart!

In late 2003, Ray and Lari first journeyed to Asia to collect their second daughter, Amberlyn, who was just a little more that three at the time. She has been such a joy to all of us here in Lando. She always asks if you know Jesus, and she can quote bible verses better than a Baptist preacher! Amberlyn is a fire-cracker, for sure, but she is as beautiful as she is fiery!

In the spring of 2005, Ray and Lari, along with The Bun, returned to Asia for their fifth child, Giaden Anne, who was just two. Little Giaden is a precious and sweet child, and captures your heart the moment you see her! She is as beautiful as her sisters, and is bubbling over with love!

The Crouse’s are just one of many families that add to the unique and charming character of life here in Lando. We’re all just a little proud of our little town, and our friends and neighbours. Do try to stop by every now and again to catch up on what’s cooking here in Lando.

Have a great day, and may God bless you!

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