Lando Labour Day Update

Good Day!

I know I've been derelict in my duty to post here more often,
but things in Lando have been quite busy!

The Lando Labour Day Parade and festival was such a
huge success this year! I think we wrapped up the
summer of 2008 quite nicely!

Here are a few more photos from the Labour Day Parade and Festival...

Mrs. Mayor Stoner's Sister, Eunice

Ray Crouse and his boy, Randy

One of our local Shriner's from the
Ali Babba Temple of the Shrine

Peggy Cabot's Sheep

Shaka Zulu

Mr. T

Miss Teen Lando,
Sybilene Bradshaw
(Elverna's baby girl)

Lando Concert Orchestra

Gumby's Mom!

Dirk Crouse

Chief Wiggum and Rodney Remington
have some comfy seats for the parade!

After the parade, Mrs. Mayor Stoner told me she was going to
check out a few of the Labour Day Sales!
Mrs. Mayor Stoner

Here are just a few of the sale notices from around Lando...

This last one caught my eye, and one part in particular...

You see that? The more you buy, the more you save!

Well, let me tell you, the female of our species dont interpret that the same as the men folk!

I'm here to tell you that Mrs. Mayor Stoner took that message to heart!

The way she sees it is like this...

If an item normally costs $20, and it's on sale for, say, $10,
then the store will tell you that if you buy it, you are saving $10.
That may be true, but it fails to consider:
a) You may never have considered buying that item
2) It would NEVER have sold at $20
c) you dont NEED that item, and
.) it's still over-priced at $10!
Here's where it gets good!

When Mrs. Mayor Stoner comes across such an offer,
her mind immediately goes like this:
a) I need THAT.
2) It's on Sale!
c) I'm saving $10!
5) I just EARNED $10!
That's the biggie right there, number 5!!!

Even though we all know that if it had just been sitting on the
shelf for $10 she would have walked right on by, but, NO...,
since it's 'on sale', she HAS to have it!

AND she's making $10 on the deal!

So, in her mind, she now has an additional $10...
To buy something else!

And so it goes...ALL DAY LONG!

So, by the end of the day she's spent an entire month's salary
but she 'saved' ten times that much.

She's planning on using the 'extra' money to remodel our den
and get some new furniture for our veranda!

Please, God, dont let it be on sale!!!

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Lando Unique Zoo

Over in the western part of Lando lives Dr. Armando Alijandro Moreau who owns the Lando Unique Zoo.

What makes his zoo unique are the animals there.

Armando is a genius with DNA and a technique known as 'vivisection'.

Using these techniques, he has come to own one of the most unique collections of animals you have ever seen.

The thing you will notice most about each of his animals is how much each one has features of human hands.

Here are just a few, but if you visit the zoo, there are literally hundreds more!

















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You Need Worms, Man!

Most folks around here accept it as common knowledge that Doug Marlette's comic strip, Kudzu, was inspired by the good folks and quaint charm of Lando. What you may not have realised is that the character known as the Reverend Will B. Dunn was based entirely on our own Reverend Dr. Ezekiel Moses of Lando Baptist Church. Doug got started long time ago drawing political cartoons for the Charlotte Observer, and being so close to us, he was often down here visiting and gathering ideas for his political satire, as well as his comic strip.

Well, I dont mean to run on about my good friend Doug, God rest his soul, it's just my way of giving you a little idea of what kind of preacher Dr. Moses is.

Dr. Moses has started a campaign to rid the airwaves of a children's show he describes as being the video version of crack cocaine. The particular show that has him all in a snoot is called 'Big, Big World'.

The main character in Big, Big World is a Sloth named Snook, and he is obviously a hippie stoner left over from the last century.


He talks a lot like Spicoli, Bill, Ted, or any other hippie that comes to mind and he is obviously high on weed for most of his on-camera appearances.

I think he sounds most like Tommy Chong from Cheech and Chong. "Dave's not here, man."

Check him out here:

Dr. Moses has started a national campaign to force PBS to remove the hippie and his weedfest from TV. Dr. Moses feels that the message that Snook is sending to our children is that weed is okay.

In one episode, the monkeys have a garden and Snook thinks they can grow a "huge patch of some really wicked weed" until he finds out that the monkeys have banished the worms from their garden. Snook is all upset, but still cool when he tells the monkeys, "You need the worms, man. The worms crawl all around in the soil and stuff and make the roots of the weed really happy. You gotta have worms, man." So the rest of the episode is about getting the worms back in the garden to help grow the weed.

Frankly, I have not seen the show, but a stoner sloth sounds pretty cool to me. I mean, who doesn't laugh at stoners?

Anyway, Dr. Moses is pretty serious, and he says the next show to go is that 'Show Me the Monkey', Curious George.

He says the Man in the Yellow hat is irresponsible and leaves George unsupervised for much of the day. Being unsupervised, George is often found wreaking havoc or creating the potential for loss or injury to others. Additionally, he is unclean and we see him serving food tainted by his filth and ineptness to unsuspecting patrons of the local establishments around his neighbourhood. He is an animal, yet he is allowed to roam free in an urban area with no restrictions. It's doubtful that his apartment building is zoned to allow circus animals to live there. The threat he poses is real and imminent.

So there you go. Dr. Moses is a force to be reckoned with, so my guess is these two shows are headed for the off-price dvd section at Wal-Mart any day.

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A Truly Heart Warming Story

I know I have been lax in posting lately, but quite frankly, I've been depressed.

One of the best friends in my life was tragically killed last month, and it's taken me some time just to be able to leave the house.

His name was Peter Davies, and he and I have been friends since we met in play school.

Peter was an avid outdoorsman, and loved to travel the world to enjoy nature and wildlife in their native habitat.

In 1988, Peter was on safari in Kenya after having graduated from Lando University.

While on a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1988, and knowing the elephant's reputation for superior memory, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After all, an elephant is faithful, 100%.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his head against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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A Sad Day in Lando

One of Lando's most beloved citizens passed away this week.
We have all been pretty down about it, but we try to get along.

His name was Fred Clark, and there probably wasn't a soul in town that didn't love to be around and listen to his tall tales and jokes!

They asked his best friend, Walter "The Monz" Mondale to deliver his eulogy. There couldn't have been a finer choice, because he did an excellent job. I thought you all should see it, so here it is in it's entirety...

Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other's courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006.

True to Fred's personal style, his final hours were spent joking with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife and kids.

He loved his family. His heart beat faster when his wife of 37 years Alice Clark entered the room and saddened a little when she left.

His legacy was the good works performed by his sons, Frederic Arthur Clark III and Andrew Douglas Clark MD, PhD., along with Andy's wife, Sara Morgan Clark.

Fred's back straightened and chest puffed out when he heard the Star Spangled Banner and his eyes teared when he heard Amazing Grace.

Always an interested observer of politics, particularly what the process does to its participants, he was amused by politician's outrage when we lie to them and amazed at what the voters would tolerate. His final wishes were "throw the bums out and don't elect lawyers" (though it seems to make little difference).

During his life he excelled at mediocrity.

He loved to hear and tell jokes, especially short ones due to his limited attention span.

He had a life long love affair with bacon, butter, cigars and bourbon.

You always knew what Fred was thinking much to the dismay of his friends and family. His sons said of Fred, "he was often wrong, but never in doubt".

When his family was asked what they remembered about Fred, they fondly recalled how Fred never peed in the shower - on purpose.

He died at MCV Hospital and sadly was deprived of his final wish which was to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a double date to include his wife, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter to crash an ACLU cocktail party.

In lieu of flowers, Fred asks that you make a sizable purchase at your local ABC store or winery (please, nothing French) and get rip roaring drunk at home with someone you love.

No funeral or service is planned. However, a party will be held to celebrate Fred's life. It will be held in Lando, SC at the Woodsmen of the World Lodge. Email for more information.

Fred's ashes will be fired from his favourite cannon at a private party on the Great Catawba River where he had a home for 25 years.

Okay, that's it!

Remember that the Crouse's will be in Asia for the next two weeks, so yall add them to your prayers, and they'll be home with little Moli in no time at all!

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Sports Car

Millie and Sam were at it again this week!

Last night was their thirtieth wedding anniversary.

Millie has been talking on and off about a new sports car for almost a year now.
Sam never really responds when she gets to talking about it.

Well, Wednesday night, Millie told Sam that after 30 years of marriage, she deserves the kind of gift she wants. Not some vacuum cleaner or an iron, but an exciting gift.

She told Sam that when she got up in the morning, there had better be something sitting in the driveway that would go from 0 to 200 in less than a minute.

So, after Sam left the next morning, Millie ran down the stairs and looked out into the driveway for her gift. Sure enough, there sat a box all wrapped up nice and pretty with a big bow on top.

Millie ran out and got it, and ran back into the house.

She thought the box was a little small, but she was certain there would be the keys to her new sports car inside.

The real trouble started when she opened the box and found a new set of bathroom scales!

Well, I guess Sam took her at her word. She may have put on a pound or two!

Yall have a great weekend!

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Earth Day

I think that this was the best cank festival in Lando history!
Somebody told me that we used just over 3 tons of cank!

Well, the fun never stops in Lando. Today is the big Earth Day Celebration.
We've been doing this ever since ol' Doc Houge started it back in 1969!

Today is the second largest celebration we have. Everybody in Lando is Earth concious.

All the schools and businesses and government offices are closed today.
We send ALL the school buses around to collect as many people that want to come, and bring them into town. The buses run most all day long. As a matter of fact we'll use about 25% of the allotted budget for fuel on this one day! That's a lot of driving.

Down town we have about a hundred booths set up with gas grills or cotton candy machines or ice cream and shaved ice machines all humming along. We have to run extra cables and get the power company to max out the grid just so we can light it all up!

We bring in a carnival company so we can have a sort of midway set up with games and rides and such. Those guys bring in a few generators to make sure it all runs smoothly.

We'll sell about 2,500 pounds of barbeque that's been slow cooked over kiln dried hickory.
We also have french fries, elephant ears, polish sausage, cole slaw, corn dogs, yeast rolls, and corn on the cob!

This is one big feast!

It's a good thing that the cank festival ended on Saturday so we could have a rest for a couple of days before the big Earth Day celebration kicks off!

All told we'll end up with an extra 10 to 15 tons of waste for the landfill from this one festival alone. That's mainly because we have so many folks driving in from all over the state!

Of course, not all of what they get goes in the landfill.
Most folks have two or three styrefoam take home plates, and, obviously, the porta-johns are all full, too!!!

If you can get by today and celebrate Earth Day, you wont regret it!

And remember to you your part to reduce your impact on the earth, just like we all do here in Lando!

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Cank Festival -- Day 2

Boy Howdy! It sure has been a fantastic Cank festival, so far!
I have never had so much fun at a Cank Crawl in all my life!
Did you see the parade? If you missed it, you missed the best pollination rap song that's ever been. It sure was a toe-tapper! And how about all those beautiful Cank Queen contestants?

You know, I met the Mrs. Mayor Stoner when she was a Cank Queen Pageant contestant. She was first runner up in the pageant, but she was the queen of my heart!

Here are a few more shots from yesterday's parade and festival street.

This is Lando Cank Queen 2008, Miss Ashleigh Crouse!

Ashliegh Crouse

Ashliegh is Dirk's little girl, only she aint little anymore! She won the beauty contest as well as the blue ribbon for best cank dish, Crispy Cank Tortilla Chips with Tropical Cank di Gallo. Check the recipe at the end of this post!

Even the cats dig the Cank!

Viva le Cank! Show me some Cank love!

Crispy Cank Tortillas
  • 1 package of regular sized corn tortillas, quartered
  • 1 lb Lard
  • 1/4 cup Fine Sea Salt
  • 1/4 cup Chipotle Powder
  • 1 lb Male Lando Canker Worms
Preheat the oven to 250.
Place the Canks on a large baking sheet and drizzle with olive oil.
Heat in oven until completely dried out and crispy.
Pulse in food processor until they become a fine powder.
In a medium bowl, mix together salt, Chipolte powder, and worm dust.

In a large iron skillet, slowly heat lard to cooking temperature.
Place quartered tortillas in hot oil and fry in batches until crispy.
Season with Cank seasoning immediately upon removal from hot oil.

Tropical Cank di Gallo
  • 15-20 Female Lando Canks
  • 1/4 cup Apple Cider vinegar
  • 1/4 cup EVOO
  • Salt and Pepper

  • 6-8 Roma Tomatoes
  • 2-3 Tomatillos
  • 1 Red Bell Pepper
  • 1 Yellow Bell Pepper
  • 1 Green Bell Pepper
  • 2-3 Jalapeno Peppers
  • 1 Habenero Pepper
  • 1/4 cup Pineapple
  • 1/4 cup Kiwi
  • 1/4 cup Papaya
Dice all the peppers and fruit and mix in a large bowl with the remaining ingredients and Canks.
Stir until well combined and salt and pepper to taste.

Serve with Crispy Cank Tortillas

Recipe courtesy of Lando Cank Queen 2008, Miss Ashleigh Crouse

Cank Days wraps up tomorrow at noon. I hope you all got your fill of cank until next year!

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